Satirical column for ‘The Whip’, December 2016
Sometimes, my fellow patriots, a man’s undying love for his country gets in the way of the most quotidian of quotes. Just the other day I was fulfilling my quota of Friday night pints in my local watering hole (pub), when the barmaid came over to me and my fellow patriot Dennis De St-Denis (General Secretary of the UKIP Gentleman’s Parlour) and enquired as to whether we should enjoy another.
‘As long as it’s brewed in Blighty!’ piped Dennis, at which point we all laughed and the barmaid brought him another pint of Amstel.
I, on the other hand, was feeling utterly fatigued from a tough day of canvassing (though I’m glad to report that the UKIP canvas telling illegal migrants not to contribute to our economy is now up and flapping beside the North Circular). I had been on the soft alcohol all evening, and it was starting to play with my usually astute head. My dear patriots, it is with great shame that I admit that Hugh Kip, for the first time in his long beer career, let alcohol get the worst of him.
‘I’ll have a soft Brexit please,’ I said.
The watering hole (pub) fell silent. Everyone was staring at me. Even old Fred, famously shocked by nothing since the first boat of Jamaicans arrived in 1948, was open-mouthed like someone had just said ‘Diwali’. The silence was as eery as the Muslim ghettos in Birmingham reported by Fox News.
I suddenly realised the gaffe I’d just gaffed, and knew I’d have to face saving face.
‘Only joking!’ I cried. ‘I’ll have a pint of London Pride, and a full withdrawal from the EU Customs Union!’
The pub (watering hole) roared with approval.
‘Free Guinness for everyone!’ announced the barmaid in celebration, ‘While we can still get it over the border!’
I laughed and told her to get a longer skirt otherwise people will think she’s Romanian.
As you can see, my fellow patriots, it’s never a quiet day in the UKIP ranks. Nevertheless, here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas, with lots of British-sourced Christmas pud and an extra serving of Christian backlash on top!