Delicate Negatives, Pt. 1

Life is a jazz-rhythmed melody I cannot dance to.

It was ever thus, but GOD didn’t it take a long time for me to realise it! There is nothing I can do. Nothing! Hopeless, hopeless, hopelessness… That’s life!

I can sit on a chair for all my days and nought will ever change; or beat against a sheer brick wall or shout the politician down from the sky; I could explode a bomb in London’s heart or scream a ditty and song, but it won’t start a revolution; and revolution could come and revolution would go, but nothing would ever change, oh NO!

I am, dear person, lost. In fact, I am high; high high highhhheeeerrr than a blue moon, oh yes! Blue moons can come and so and so, but none shall be higher than I, oh aye!

Oh, dear human, I do apologise: you did not want to be disturbed. But why should I apologise for that? None of us chose to be disturbed from that void of sleep that was death before birth; none of us chose to be born, and none of us chose to live, and none of us chose to die. And that I am here talking to you is just yet another product of the coincidences that run this random universe, with no more significance behind them than the lie that was a God, to which I say – HA!

So let me smoke my cigarette and talk to you, because all is impermanent and we must indulge the moment as much as possible.

Cigarettes – drugs! Now there’s the example I want to give you. Why should a person use such things when we live in this age, when everything is available? You tell me, dear person. I could have any job I wanted, I could fly across seas, I could dig for diamonds in Africa, surf the water in Australia, meditate in India – I could have sex every night, I could order anything I want with the tap-tippity-tap of a screen – I could have anything. Anything! But isn’t that too much?

But that is just why I am here tonight! For in a world in which you can have everything, everything loses its meaning.

And, oh! the craving, the desire to be, the desire to have – isn’t that what destroys us humans? I want it all, but I can have nothing!

Women! I want a girl, a giiiiirrrrlll…

Don’t you think that the mere existence of women is proof of everything and nothing? The desire to be, the desire to have… I want a girl! Give me a girl, any girl, I don’t care – I need to be free, to be FREEEEEEEEEE –

Oh, this world, this universe, this existence! Is this a hand which I see before me, the extension of myself? Why do I see or feel at all – why do I breathe – why do I know? But do I know? I don’t know!

And wouldn’t it all be alright if just, just for this short incarnation that is human life upon this whirly ball about in space, that our life and times, our countries, our peoples could just stop? If we could destroy it all, tear it all down, start again and create the life that we need!

I – JUST – WANT – TO – DESTROY IT!

I’m sorry, I’m sorry – yes, you’re right, I have taken a lot of drugs. Drugs – yes, too many.

No, not too many! And I shouldn’t be listening to you about it. In fact you listen to me, for I am not long on this insubstantial pageant faded and I want to share with you the frabjastic truths of being alive. Here it is, as I wrote it an hour ago:

‘Between the immortal plains of birth and death is this mortal constituency in which we find ourselves, the bone-held mind harassed by designs of people and peoples, the burning coil on which we all some day shall explode back out again, eternally, into lime and fire and non-stop blank.’

At least, that is how I see it.

Now, now, now, I don’t care for you, I don’t care for anyone. I care only for myself. Though now I do not even care for that.

To be continued…

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